Welcome to my Diary.

“The Talk”

I long for the day,

ten, fifteen years from now,

when we run into each other on the street,

I’ll be heading off somewhere;

always busy, busy me.

& you’ll be writing a song in your head,

still chasing that dream.

We’ll smile shyly at each other,

& awkward words will be said,

I’ll laugh at all your stupid jokes,

just like I always did.

We won’t know what to say, nor what to do.

But, as I look into your eyes,

I know I’ll still be in love with you.

Then we’ll go our separate ways,

thinking of that talk.

Maybe you’ll have a girl you’ll go home to,

if that’s what you want.

But remember that after all this,

late that night, when you’re laying in bed,

you’ll be thinking to yourself,

“Why didn’t I choose that girl instead?”

“Nothing”

After everything, we’re left with nothing,

at least that’s how it seems.

But you’re far more than nothing,

according to what you mean to me.

Nothing is such a funny thing, really,

for nothing does not exist.

But when I ask you to give a little more,

nothing is an answer you simply cannot resist.

We’re on & off, it’s silly,

you have to admit, it’s true,

but we have something, of course.

I have nothing with you.

& I know it may sound stupid,

and, believe me, I find it hard to admit,

but I think we gave up far too early,

that’s just it; we quit.

Now no matter what we say,

no matter what we try to do,

nothing is just what we are,

& I have to say, all along I knew.

But our nothing is more than nothing,

our nothing comes before; always put above.

Our nothing is absolutely beautiful,

because our nothing is our love.

“Above”

She sits in her room,

too scared to speak.

She shuts everyone out,

afraid that she’s too weak.

She still has her heart,

it beats inside her chest,

but he holds her love,

‘cause he’s by far the best.

They have this love-hate relationship:

she loves, he hates.

But still, he tells her all his problems,

hoping she’ll relate.

He doesn’t want to love her,

but it’s something he can’t control.

He gives her all this hate,

just as an attempt to save her soul.

He believes that he’s the bad guy;

a demond in disguise.

But the angel loves a devil,

& not those other guys.

Every now & then, he’ll take her in his arms,

just hold her close likehe used to,

& she so hopes it’s real,

but he always lets go far too soon.

She’s not over him,

& he was never too much in love,

but honestly, he always knew that when it came to her,

over everything, he came above.

“Lock & Key”

You wanna run,

but you just can’t move,

you’re looking for something to hold on to.

you sit there in the dark,

thinking, “where did I go wrong?”

but, in reality, you’ve known all along.

You keep her name locked away in your heart;

hoping no one ever finds it,

& then you cry yourself to sleep at night;

‘cause it’s under a lock you don’t have the key to.

“It’s A Girl Thing”

Sometimes, you gotta live a girl’s life.

Cry yourself to sleep after a long day.

Go out & dance in the rain.

Have a sleepover with your best friends & stay up ‘till 3am.

Laugh so hard, you cry & not even remember what’s funny.

Scream Taylor Swift songs from your window.

Paint your nails crazy colors.

Vent to a random stranger.

Have your own personal, mini photo shoot.

Meet a cute guy…

& sometimes, you just need to fall in love.

“Too Far Gone”

You’re in that coldroom

just like you were the day she left,

just like you will be until you open that door for her again.

You’re trying so hard,

but the show is no longer entertaining.

Face it, she was the reason you were a star,

& now you’re slowly fading.

& you sit there in the depth of your destruction,

far too gone to know what’s true.

You act like everything’s alright,

but you’re cursing her name all the way down the avenue.

You turn left, you tun right;

you’re awake now; can’t sleep at night.

The dreams come, & you walk out the door,

because she’s that girl you’d do anything for.

You kick, you scream,

remembering how this used to grab her attention.

You cry over her pictures;

dying for her affection.

Now all that’s left are the memories,

& you’re forced to ask, “does she remember me?”

& that’s when it all starts flooding back,

when you realize she has something that you seem to lack.

& you sit there in the depth of your destruction,

far too gone to know what’s true.

You act like everything’s alright,

but you’re cursing her name all the way down the avenue.

You turn left, you tun right;

you’re awake now; can’t sleep at night.

The dreams come, & you walk out the door,

because she’s that girl you’d do anything for.

There’s those things you can’t remember,

they’re the things she won’t forget.

Those things you can’t call to mind,

they’re the things she’ll always regret.

But you’ll remember her in the little things:

her hair, her smell, her favorite song.

Those will be the things you can’t forget.

Even now, when she’s too far gone.

& you sit there in the depth of your destruction,

far too gone to know what’s true.

You act like everything’s alright,

but you’re cursing her name all the way down the avenue.

You turn left, you tun right;

you’re awake now; can’t sleep at night.

The dreams come, & you walk out the door,

because she’s that girl you’d do anything for.

“Can’t Go Back”

I don’t know why we keep pretending,

when we just come up with the exact same ending.

lost in love,

lost in fight,

you used to have this light,

it used to shine so bright.

The memories have left us scarred,

they’re part of our past,

when the future seemed so far.

I want to go back to a simpler time,

back when it was just the two of us,

with our hands intertwined.

The smiles, the laughter,

the things we used to say.

But all beautiful things come to an end,

at some point, everything goes away.

“Freedom Found”

Don’t be surprised when she won’t let you back in,

you can’t expect her to take you back,

due to the state of mind you left her in.

She was broken, she was scarred.

You let her go, she got too far.

She finally became free of the chains,

the shackles you kept her prisoner in.

You thought you had the only key,

& maybe you lost it.

But all this time,she had a spare in her pocket.

“Adam’s Poem” - for Sarah….

& he hoped you’d remember,

something you prayed he’d forget.

But now that it’s a memory he seems to lack,

you just can’t help but want him back.

Now that his back is turned,

& he’s out the door,

you can’t help but feel broken,

you can’t help but fall to the floor.

You want him back,

but he won’t have you.

You need him bad,

but he won’t save you,

from those monsters that are stuck inside your head,

from the sad, cold nights,

that leave you all alone in bed.

You put everything off,

waiting until your thoughts are sober.

But, really, you just can’t deal with the fact,

that it might really be over.

“Trent’s Poem” - for Sarah…

They say this only happens once in a lifetime,

that it’s a chance you have to take.

They say that once it happens to you,

suddenly life becomes a piece of cake.

Love? Oh no, not love; that’s silly,

for love does not exist.

But this is the closest thing she’s found to love,

it was a feeling she could not resist.

Relationships were never really her thing,

& she has always been far off from “the one.”

But then, boy, she heard you sing,

& she knew, no matter how hard she tried, she could never run.

She cried over you,

said lies that weren’t true,

hoping that you would see through them.

She sold herself short,

but couldn’t break through your fort,

because someone was already inside it.

& even though she shouldn’t,

she’ll continue to care.

She’ll wish you the best,

even though it’s not fair.

& she’ll always be out there searching

for someone just like you.

Someone who can have her so easily,

make all her dreams come true.

& maybe one day you’ll see her,

& realize what you already knew…

That this girl, this one girl, the only girl…

Was the one that was meant for you.

“The Truth About Bad Boys” - for Olivia

the truth lies right in front of you,

even though you refuse to see it.

that boy is just bad news,

& you should’ve known from the very first kiss.

a summer love, that’s what it once was.

but it turned out to be so much more.

like a teenage romance lit on fire,

something some people would kill for.

but, like everything, it came to an end,

but you just couldn’t let go.

& you knew you could never be just friends,

you wanted to wait for the very end of show.

& of course you’ve heard the rumors,

he’s a true bad boys at heart.

but you continue to think he can become good,

saying, “it’s not too late to start.”

& now you remember everything you once had,

as you wait along side the phone.

& you just wish you could hold him in your hands,

but i think all along you’ve known.

he’s a bad boy, you know.

of course you’ve heard the rumors.

but now all you want is him.,

if only you had heard sooner.

& he’ll speak of other girls,

while you listen, thinking it’s nothing.

but deep, deep down, you know.

& you’re tired of the suffering.

but you’ll continue to sit there at night,

waiting for his call.

but remember, the more you resist him,

the harder you’ll fall.

“Perfect Song” - for Sarah

she can’t say that she dreamt about you,

because you’re the reason she’d be up all night.

just staring at the moon, the stars,

trying to catch their light.

remember those messages you sent her?

those are the things she thought too hard about.

but when that didn’t register in your mind,

it made her want to scream & shout.

& of course she didn’t,

she mainly kept her cool.

doing nothing but writing songs,

when she should’ve been in school.

but you were that type of boy,

the kind that needed his own song.

& here she is, still trying to write it,

no matter how much her friends say it’s wrong.

& she still stays up late,

trying to sing herself to sleep,

then shooting out of bed,

hoping she’s found the right melody.

lyric upon lyric,

all dedicated to you.

but none of that really matters,

until she finds the perfect tune.

“Sarah’s Poem”

she’s never been the type for falling in love,

for she has been hurt before.

in fact, she never really minded

when her relationships fell short.

nowkeep in mind this isn’t a love poem,

this girl never really believed in love,

& this isn’t the story of how she found it,

because, according to her, everything else came above.

no, this is about a girl,

the one that gets by on her own,

the one that doesn’t need a hero to save her,

the strongest girl I know.

this story is different from ones in the past,

there is no prince charming,

no love that is guaranteed to last.

she’s not your average girl,

you’ll never meet anyone quite like her,

& just as soon as you think you’ve figured her out,

suddenly you’re not entirely sure.

every now & then a boy comes in,

& turns her world completely upside down,

but as soon as it begins to get too serious,

she leaves, never planning to come back around.

she’s independent,

finding her way without the help of anyone.

& while doing that she doesn’t have much time for silly things like falling in love.

she’s a stong girl, the strongest,

both mentally & physically.

& if anyone can make it through this alone,

I know it is she.

“Someday”

There comes a time when you realize,

that not everything is going to be okay.

but that’s when you begin to think,

that maybe not being okay, is okay.

you become content with everything,

although it may not be what you want.

you begin to think more clearly,

& you discover where it is you belong.

you learn to let go,

& stop holding on so tight.

you become more close off,

pushing everything out of sight.

& when the dreams come, you don’t cry anymore,

because you know you’ll be okay.

because things do get better,

maybe not tomorrow, maybe not anytime soon,

but, maybe someday.

“Possibilities”

maybe we’ll meet again someday,

& we’ll figure all this out.

maybe then things will be better,

& two won’t feel like such a crowd.

then we can finally say everything that has bee on our minds since the day we met.

we can just let all the emotions flow,

making every single thought said.

we’ll work things out one way or another,

we’ll be so happy;

two, new young lovers.

i’m not sure how long we’ll make it,

but i’m sure that we’d push through.

we’d do our best to make it work,

that much i know is true.

but, as for now,

we’ll go our seperate ways.

& who knows?

maybe someday we won’t even remember the other’s name.

& you’ll move on,

& i’ll move on,

& soon we won’t be nothing but a part of eachother’s past.

because, right now, i believe it’s clear,

this just isn’t meant to last.

“February 17, 2012”

Tell me what you think about when you’re alone late at night. Let me see into the deepest, darkest parts of your soul. Show me what hurts, tell me what makes you cry. Replay all those scenes that have left you with the deepest cuts.

Now take a step back; let it all go. Think of something happy. Tell me when youhad the biggest smile on your face & it was nowhere near fake. Remind me what it’s like to laugh uncontrollably. Let’s tell stories about the times when we were only a few years old & he world wasn’t such a scary place.

Do you ever wish you could go back? To a simpler time? Everything used to be so easy & we all used to be so carefree. No one payed attention to who-wore-what or where someone went. We were kids. Back when the word “rumor” wasn’t in our vocabulary & “betrayal” didn’t have a true meaning yet. It used to be so much easier. But then we grew up.

“You Don’t Know”

you wake up some days & you just know.

you know exactly what it is you want.

that job, that school…. that person.

you just know.

how?

good question.

how do we know?

who cares?

we just do.

sometimes you wake up & something reminds you.

maybe you just never forgot.

how can you forget something that meant so much to you?

that’s an easy answer.

you don’t.

“March 9, 2012”

You see, I’ve come to the realization that you might always be “the one.” Maybe not the one I’m gonna marry, maybe not the one I’ll end up with at the end of the story. Bu you’re always gonna be the one. My one.

Don’t blame me, it’s not like I asked for this. I’d prefer that it be different. But the thing is, it’s not. & I can’t explain how much that pains me. I mean, you’re over there, living life, & I’m over here; missing you.

That’s it. I miss you. YOU. Only you. & although our story seems to be over… I find myself waiting for he next chapter to begin. But that’s the thing - it’s not going to start. How am I supposed to fix something when half of it seems to be missing? That’s the thing; I can’t. & since you seem so far away, it’s a lost cause.

“Doesn’t Have A Real Title But Oh Well.”

turn off the lights,

take me tonight;

tell me you love me;

say it’s all right.

i’m tired of the lies,

that you don’t mean to say,

but as i get up to leave,

i beg you, ask me to stay.

i won’t say it out loud,

i’m not built for this.

i don’t want to deal with it.

get out; you’re dismissed.

we’re running out of time.

i guess you just don’t get it.

i’m trying to kick you to the curb,

like every other bad habit.

“Sergio’s Poem”

i can’t find the words to say the things that i want.

so i’ll just lay in bed awake until the break of dawn.

every little piece of me seems to be missing you,

& still, you remain a mystery; it’s just something that you do.

i can’t seem to figure out your story,

but i know there’s something there.

i can see you runing far,

tell me, are you scared?

when people grow up,

things seem to grow apart.

but when people grow close,

it’s like a work of art.

i see the world differently,

& you see it just the same.

not understanding each other comletely,

but that’s the fun part of the game.

we walked away from something we didn’t fully understand.

we left it alone in the dark,

hoping it’d get burned in the sand.

we left it in the past,

never planning on looking back.

& here we are now, still bringing up history.

& here i am now, trying to solve a mystery.

i don’t know who you are, but i’d love to find out.

& i’d like to let you in; show you what i’m all about.

we can just spend time talking;

getting to know each other day by day.

i’m willing to give it a shot.

so…. what do you say?

“Not Your Average Fairytale.”

how’d i end up in this mess?

crying here on the floor in my fairytale dress.

the lights are dimming,

from my hands you’ve been slipping.

tell me, what do i do now?

now that i’ve hit rock bottom.

since then, it’s been forced smiles with teared filled eyes;

a little less laughter, a little more lies.

a little more anger; a lot more fear.

one great, perfect life, ruined by one horrible year.

i was the princess,

with the castle & the pretty dress.

you were the prince i wanted,

because, you know, i only deserved the best.

& i let you take me for one hell of a ride,

deep into the night, the two of us; side by side.

but you weren’t the average prince;

nor i, the average princess.

it wasn’t happily ever after,

just a lot more work; a lot more stress.

the nights got colder; the days got longer.

i grew weaker; you grew stronger.

we continued to play this long, complicated game,

& never decided upon who won.

& along the way, it lost the point,

i lost my touch; we lost our fun.

the smiles didn’t last,

what was supposed to be long, meaningful talks ended far too fast,

but we still said we were okay.

the sad songs came around,

& i was always looking down,

for a magic wand to save the day.

but this wasn’t your everyday fairytale,

like i said, it was a mess.

but i continued to fight on,

took every single one of your tests.

& i did it alone, without any magice.

had to use my head, no secret gadfet.

but i suppose it worked;

i made it out alive.

got a few bumps & bruises,

& God knows how much i cried.

not such a princess anymore,

built up my walls, you can’t take them down.

all done with crying on the floor.

yeah, that’s the old me now.

closed off from the world,

closed off from you.

all my doors are shut,

i’m starting ovr new.

like i said, it’s not your normal love story;

no prince in his shining glory.

because in your normal childrens’ book,

there’d be a hero to fight off the dirty crook.

but in this story,

there is no war.

it was just me as i shut that door.

leaving all that was left of you behind it.

& now it’s clear to see.

the hero of this fairytale,

yeah….

it was always me.

“Real or Not?” (sorry, just had to.)

and we’ll sit here,

star gazing,

our hearts racing,

hoping tomorrow never comes.

the moon shines bright,

like the light in your eyes,

but before you know it,

it’s gone.

such a funny thing,

love can be,

especially when you’re first falling.

it gives you promises,

such beautiful promises,

that you should never believe in.

it’s a fantasy,

love,

it’s not really real.

but you believe it is,

because you know,

it’s exactly how you want to feel.

“Always Here”

i’ll sit here on my own,

inking about you & everything that was,

ill could be.

sit here,

king where it all went wrong,

t here listening to all the sad love songs.

eryone reminds me of you.

i’m tired of it, really.

i’m done with this feeling.

pardon my rudeness,

i know you must be confused.

but how do you think i feel?

every time i realize i’m not over you?

i’m walking out now,

hope you’re happy,

you finally got your wish.

i hope she’s everything you’ve ever wanted,

& maybe even more.

i hope you’re making the right choice,

because it’s evident you don’t need me anymore.

please, don’t ask me to stay;

i don’t have the strength to say no.

please tell me that it’s okay,

please tell me to get up & go.

i know it’s sad to say,

but i’m sure you’ll love to hear,

if you ever need me,

i’m bound to be right here.

“One Direction Fangirl Probz” (it’s what i do in Spanish class…. sorry not sorry.)

Tell Me A Lie that will make you Steal My Heart one more time. I Wish that we could stay Up All Night making the Same Mistakes we did before you were Taken. I Want One Thing & it’s Gotta Be You. Maybe if I Save You Tonight, we can be More Than This. And, by the way, Everything About You is What Makes You Beautiful.

“If We Were A Movie….”

Can we just sit in your car,

wishing on every single star in the sky?

& maybe when we’re done,

we’ll be a little more close;

a little less shy.

we can talk about the future,

talk about the past;

talk about tomorrow,

as if this is gonna last.

it didn’t last before,

why would it last now?

why should we set our hopes so high,

when they’ll just end up back on the ground?

why fight for something when it’s not worth fighting for?

why make something work,

when it didn’t work before?

it seems like we’re in a movie without any ending,

but we are not actors,

we’re just really good a pretending.

so back to this scene,

your car,

the stars;

cue the moonlight.

zoom in real close;

catch the feeling just right.

now say your lines,

& remember, we got a reputation to maintain.

we have to make it look like we’re all right,

gotta make it look like it’s love at first sight.

now it’s my turn, let’s see what we have here.

i have to smile at you,

why my eyes are full of fear.

i have to make myself seem comfortable,

with just you, me, alone in your car.

but this will seem extra real,

because i’m really wishing for you on that star.

“Your Rhyme”

You asked me for a poem,

& i said “that sounds stupid.”

you asked me what we were,

& i answered, “i’m not cupid.”

i’m not usually the sentimental type;

i like to scream, i like to fight.

i’m not your average girl,

so don’t treat me like one.

but you’re just an average boy,

& i’m sorry for that, hun.

we never saw eye-to-eye,

but it seemed okay.

because we were both happy,

at the end of the day.

& to tell you the truth,

i had never felt that way until you came around.

i was surprised by my laughter,

it had been a while since i heard that sound.

i never imagined anything could go wrong,

but i guess we were just always singing two completely different songs.

you brought out the better side of me,

that was easy to show.

with you, i just felt so complete,

& i thought you should know.

you made me so happy,

but i guess that’s done.

those butterflies in my tummy,

are nothing but gone.

& here you are,

taking over my brain.

boy, thinking about you,

just drives me insane.

& still you are now,

occupying my time.

i guess i should’ve known,

that, eventually, you’d get your rhyme.

“Difficult.”

the problem with you was,

you asked for so much but gave too little.

always asking questions,

but never fully answering the riddle.

you thought that everything should be given to you;

that everything was for your take.

but the world doesn’t work that way,

there was much, much more at stake.

don’t you know?

not everything works the way you want it to.

sometimes you have to try a lot harder,

sometimes you have to do things you wouldn’t usually do.

once in a while, you’ll end up alone.

there won’t be anyone there when you return home.

but the more you act “better” than anyone else,

the longer you’ll be pushed aside; hung up on a shelf.

no one can seem to keep up with you,

& i supposed that’s how you want it.

but loneliness is so much lonelier than you’d expect,

& there’s no way out once you’re in.

“Games”

hey, i heard you were a player,

so, you want to play a game?

the winner gets satisfaction,

& the loser, nothing but pain.

there’s only one rule you have to follow,

& that is not to fall.

you have to keep your chin up;

continue standing tall.

you can say “i love you.”

& of course i’ll say it back.

but, remember, this is just a game,

this whole thing is just an act.

in my head,

i know it’s nothing but a game.

we’ll say, do things now,

but once it’s over, it’ll all be the same.

& eventually, i’ll get your songs, your gifts, your endless letters.

& that’s when i know i’ve won.

so, remember, boy,

don’t play games with a girl who can play better.

“Looking Back”

pretend you don’t know me,

go ahead; it’s okay.

go on & pretend like you,

can’t see the fake smile on my face.

now pretend i don’t know you,

it’s harder now, you see?

it’s hard not to believe in someone,

who knows your absolute everything.

we’re not the same, you & i,

but they say that opposite attract,

as different as night & day,

why do i keep looking back?

we’re far apart now,

everything has changed.

let’s go back seven months ago,

before we were completely rearranged.

they say boys come & go,

& i guess they were right,

but boy, you go & i come,

without even putting up a fight.

“December 14, 2011”

It’s not that I don’t want you anymore because somewhere deep down a part of me still does. But I’d rather hurt myself before I let you hurt me. Is that wrong? Would it be considered self harm? Or is it just me finally realizing that dreaming is for dreamers and I sadly have woken up and become a part of reality. And, let me tell you, reality isn’t as pretty as some claim it to be. No, reality is ugly, dirty, harmful, and just everything you wish didn’t exist.

First, you have your cynics who are out there to get everyone. They’ll tell you all these hurtful things, putting these thoughts in your head that you eventually come to believe. They corrupt you, and have you believe in everything that you were once against.

But then you have your believers, and these may be the most dangerous people of all. For these people see the things other refuse to. They see the light, beauty, love, hope, possibility. They can tell you a million and one reasons why you should never give up. Usually these people are harassed, called “dreamers” as I’ve already pointed out. But these so called “dreamers” have something no one else has: dreams.

Now, let me talk about dreams; silly things, really. There’s different forms of the word, you know. Dreams can be the things you have when you fall asleep at night. Or they’re your life ambitions; the things you hope to one day become your reality. They say to “follow your dreams” but what if you dream of destruction? What if you dream of pain? Is it different then? Yes? No? If it is, then that makes everyone who encourages you to follow your dreams a hypocrite. But it also makes the ones who stick with what they said an accessory. Double meanings; hate them.

“Things I Like”

i like the way it feels when you look at me,

like i want to believe in myself;

like i want to believe in anything;

like anything is possible.

i like the way you say my name,

like it’s so delicate it may shatter at any given moment;

like the meaning of my name is beauty;

like i’m beautiful.

i like the way you listen to me,

like what i have to say is important;

like it’s a life or death situation;

like you care.

but, most of all, i like the way you love me,

like i’m the only one you want;

like i make you happy;

like as if you really love me.